Transformational Thought
Yesterday’s devotional discussed what happens when someone approaches us and wants something. They have a request or a reasonable opportunity for us to be helpful. Instead of saying “yes” to avoid a conflict or the uneasiness of their disappointment, we sometimes need to say “no” for the right reason. One of the major obstacles we have to saying “no” rests in a major distortion embedded in our psyche. Drum roll please. The distortion: saying yes = the loving response; saying no = the mean response.
Someone asks for something, humbly admits they need your help. Agreeing with them by saying “yes” … being like-minded and avoiding conflict ... are considered to be the nice response. Answering in a way that allows the requester to leave feeling “good” is what most would stamp as the loving response. As a kid, we never picture a loving mom as the one who says “no”. We always picture the loving mom as affirming, positive, nurturing, saying “yes” to requests for more attention, hugs, kisses, toys, food, or one more story before bed.
NEWS FLASH: saying “yes” is not always a loving response. Example: Say your 12 y.o. son convinces you he has great driving skills, is responsible, awesome with bumper cars and go-carts, and now wants the keys to the car to go hang out with his friends. Your loving response, regardless of how hurt, angry, sad, or belittled he feels, needs to be “NO.” Same if my 9 y.o. wants to stay up ‘til midnight on a school night. My incredibly loving response is “NO.”
We know kids make dysfunctional, shortsighted, and potentially harmful requests as they seek immediate gratification, and that they are unable to foresee long-term consequences. Realizing “no” is in their best interest and is the most loving response (even when our kids cry) is pretty easy for most parents. The problem comes when adults make requests. We assume adults know what is good for them, have thought it through, and make only healthy responsible requests. We think saying “no” to a healthy, functional adult request would be unloving, or withholding love.
BIGGER NEWS FLASH: Adults don’t always make functional requests. You must have awareness, discernment, and a view of the bigger picture to know whether it is a healthy or dysfunctional request. The cool part … after you put some thought into deciding if it is a healthy request, saying “no” to adults becomes as easy as saying “no” to the 12 y.o. requesting car keys.
So today, start developing the discipline of discerning healthy requests from others. Also, practice saying “no” to requests. Or at least say, “Maybe … let me think about it.” When someone says “no” to you, stop and think whether your request was healthy. Don’t assume you are the perfect one who makes healthy requests all the time. Most importantly, dig and find why you feel pressured to say “yes” or why you are afraid to say “no.” Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear loving God, thank You for being an example to me as You answer “yes” to my requests at the right time and answer “no” to my other requests at the right time. I ask You to continue the work You started … growing in me the mind of Christ, so I can see others’ requests through Your lenses. Give me the courage to say “no” when that is the most loving thing, and not to fear sad or angry responses, or hurt feelings or negative opinions. I pray in the name of the One You sent to teach me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
And a ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.
Colossians 18:18,22,23
The devil said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread." And Jesus answered him, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone.'"
Luke 4:3,4
Showing posts with label Confrontation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Confrontation. Show all posts
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Stepping Stones: Turn the Other Cheek…or NOT?!
Transformational Thought
A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak on very short notice to a Sunday School class at a neighboring church. Bubbling up in my lungs was the sound of my knee-jerk people-pleaser “yes.” But luckily, before it crossed my lips, I was able to edit it into “’Yes’ is what I want to say, but I need to look at another date a little further into the future.”
In the past, it was difficult for me to say “no”. Saying “no” to a request from somebody else rarely makes that person feel good; more often, they feel hurt or let down. Our natural tendency is to “go with the flow” or “don’t make waves.” So we become conflict avoiders … some of us a little, but some of us a lot. You see, one of the things that contributes to our feeling of discomfort is when other people feel bad as a result of our actions or behaviors.
As Christians, this usually gets amplified because we are called to be “peacekeepers” or “peacemakers.” Forgiveness is a fundamental concept and action of our faith. Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and give our clothes to a thief. Saying “no” seems like a very un-Christian response to someone in need. However, Jesus also said “no” many times … to the Pharisees, to Satan, to the demon possessed man whom he healed, to the rich young ruler who wanted to follow him but wouldn’t give up his possessions, to the moneychangers in the temple, and to the thief on the cross.
As a psychiatrist and former church elder I have seen many burnt out Christians, both leaders and church members, who seem to think that more is better … who actually believe it is un-Christian to say “no.” Their efforts become scattered and they always seem to be out of steam. But, like that Energizer bunny, they just keep on doing.
Today, before you jump into or continue “doing” the Christian thing … by blindly saying “yes” and adding more to your plate … spend time with God. Pray that you receive both direction and empowerment consistent with His will. In order to know His will … you gotta spend time in His presence. He has a specific plan and purpose for you. You need to be more purposeful in seeking it with Him and from Him. This is not a job or a task, but rather a beautiful and peaceful privilege. Also, dig and decipher why you say “yes” when you know you should be saying “no”. Why are you afraid to say “no”? Learning this answer and correcting it will bring an amazing freedom to your interactions and life! Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear Gracious and Holy God, I know that You designed a path for my life. I pray, Father, that You reveal this pathway to me … and that You give me the strength and courage to follow it. Help me seek Your approval, not the approval of those who make requests of me. Empower me, Father, and let me see that I am powered by You. Let me not focus my efforts on simply doing more, but let me focus on doing what You want and need of me. Help me today, Lord, to do what is within my ability to further Your Kingdom. I pray in the name of the One You sent to forgive, refresh, and empower me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.
Mark 6:31
A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak on very short notice to a Sunday School class at a neighboring church. Bubbling up in my lungs was the sound of my knee-jerk people-pleaser “yes.” But luckily, before it crossed my lips, I was able to edit it into “’Yes’ is what I want to say, but I need to look at another date a little further into the future.”
In the past, it was difficult for me to say “no”. Saying “no” to a request from somebody else rarely makes that person feel good; more often, they feel hurt or let down. Our natural tendency is to “go with the flow” or “don’t make waves.” So we become conflict avoiders … some of us a little, but some of us a lot. You see, one of the things that contributes to our feeling of discomfort is when other people feel bad as a result of our actions or behaviors.
As Christians, this usually gets amplified because we are called to be “peacekeepers” or “peacemakers.” Forgiveness is a fundamental concept and action of our faith. Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and give our clothes to a thief. Saying “no” seems like a very un-Christian response to someone in need. However, Jesus also said “no” many times … to the Pharisees, to Satan, to the demon possessed man whom he healed, to the rich young ruler who wanted to follow him but wouldn’t give up his possessions, to the moneychangers in the temple, and to the thief on the cross.
As a psychiatrist and former church elder I have seen many burnt out Christians, both leaders and church members, who seem to think that more is better … who actually believe it is un-Christian to say “no.” Their efforts become scattered and they always seem to be out of steam. But, like that Energizer bunny, they just keep on doing.
Today, before you jump into or continue “doing” the Christian thing … by blindly saying “yes” and adding more to your plate … spend time with God. Pray that you receive both direction and empowerment consistent with His will. In order to know His will … you gotta spend time in His presence. He has a specific plan and purpose for you. You need to be more purposeful in seeking it with Him and from Him. This is not a job or a task, but rather a beautiful and peaceful privilege. Also, dig and decipher why you say “yes” when you know you should be saying “no”. Why are you afraid to say “no”? Learning this answer and correcting it will bring an amazing freedom to your interactions and life! Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear Gracious and Holy God, I know that You designed a path for my life. I pray, Father, that You reveal this pathway to me … and that You give me the strength and courage to follow it. Help me seek Your approval, not the approval of those who make requests of me. Empower me, Father, and let me see that I am powered by You. Let me not focus my efforts on simply doing more, but let me focus on doing what You want and need of me. Help me today, Lord, to do what is within my ability to further Your Kingdom. I pray in the name of the One You sent to forgive, refresh, and empower me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.
Mark 6:31
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Stepping Stones: Do You Have All You Need For the Afterlife?
Transformational Thought
Last month, I visited a museum whose premier exhibit featured mummies from around the world. I wasn’t surprised to see teeth, but didn’t expect to see that some still had eyelashes, braided hair and fingernails. I learned about the mummification process and its effects on skin. There were even some natural mummies, people whose bodies were preserved due to the climate at the burial site. Each specimen had a story to tell, but we, the observers, could only know a fraction of the tale.
It was fascinating to see those ancient people who had been preserved for “eternity.” Some bore imprints from the weaves and dyes of fabrics that had been part of the wrapping process. Many bodies were buried along with other objects. There were amulets (small good luck charms) to help protect them from danger. Copies of The Book of the Dead were tucked in to give the person spells, hymns, and instructions to reach the ‘afterlife.’ Mummified fish, cats, and dogs had been placed alongside the bodies to be used by the dead as offerings to the gods.
What struck me as I wound my way through the displays was that there was a universal concern for what comes after this life. But the time to consider that part of our future is right now. Sure, we can live to the fullest, enjoying all the world has to offer but that is no guarantee of happiness now and it certainly doesn’t ensure happiness after death. People turn to all kinds of “truth” only to find that nothing offers lasting satisfaction. King Solomon knew this oh so well and wrote a book about it called Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament.
Only the God of the Bible offers lasting truth. Only He loves us so much that He provides a way for our sin to be forgiven and forgotten. Only the Lord God sends His Son to take the punishment we deserve, and offers it to us as a free gift so that we can live forever with Him in heaven when this life is over. No good luck charms, no more sacrifices in the afterlife to woo the gods. No need to wonder if you’ll find heaven. Just accepting God’s gift of eternal life. Just believing that God will be true to his word. This promise and glorious assurance brings so much peace.
Today, ask God to show Himself to you. Then, open up his instruction book, the Bible, and read for a few minutes. (It will be easier if you read from one book of the Bible instead of jumping around.) Start in Ecclesiastes as Solomon, who had everything, tells us it is all worthless if we don’t have God. If you don’t have one at home, look for one on the web. You may think this is an exercise with no benefit. But I believe you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear King of Kings, You are the God who forgives me and who loves me. You’ve been waiting for me to turn my attention towards You and now You have it. Lord, thank You for loving me and making a way for me to be with You in heaven forever. Please help me to read and understand Your word each day. I can be forgetful and easily distracted, but I want to do this, and with Your help, I can do it. I long to know You better and I am thankful that I am learning more about You every day. I pray in the name of Your son, Jesus, who took my punishment, so I could be with You forever. And all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body. Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole [duty] of man.
Ecclesiastes 12:11-12
Fear of the LORD is the foundation of true wisdom. All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom. Praise him forever!
Psalm 111:10
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Ecclesiastes 3:9-11
Last month, I visited a museum whose premier exhibit featured mummies from around the world. I wasn’t surprised to see teeth, but didn’t expect to see that some still had eyelashes, braided hair and fingernails. I learned about the mummification process and its effects on skin. There were even some natural mummies, people whose bodies were preserved due to the climate at the burial site. Each specimen had a story to tell, but we, the observers, could only know a fraction of the tale.
It was fascinating to see those ancient people who had been preserved for “eternity.” Some bore imprints from the weaves and dyes of fabrics that had been part of the wrapping process. Many bodies were buried along with other objects. There were amulets (small good luck charms) to help protect them from danger. Copies of The Book of the Dead were tucked in to give the person spells, hymns, and instructions to reach the ‘afterlife.’ Mummified fish, cats, and dogs had been placed alongside the bodies to be used by the dead as offerings to the gods.
What struck me as I wound my way through the displays was that there was a universal concern for what comes after this life. But the time to consider that part of our future is right now. Sure, we can live to the fullest, enjoying all the world has to offer but that is no guarantee of happiness now and it certainly doesn’t ensure happiness after death. People turn to all kinds of “truth” only to find that nothing offers lasting satisfaction. King Solomon knew this oh so well and wrote a book about it called Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament.
Only the God of the Bible offers lasting truth. Only He loves us so much that He provides a way for our sin to be forgiven and forgotten. Only the Lord God sends His Son to take the punishment we deserve, and offers it to us as a free gift so that we can live forever with Him in heaven when this life is over. No good luck charms, no more sacrifices in the afterlife to woo the gods. No need to wonder if you’ll find heaven. Just accepting God’s gift of eternal life. Just believing that God will be true to his word. This promise and glorious assurance brings so much peace.
Today, ask God to show Himself to you. Then, open up his instruction book, the Bible, and read for a few minutes. (It will be easier if you read from one book of the Bible instead of jumping around.) Start in Ecclesiastes as Solomon, who had everything, tells us it is all worthless if we don’t have God. If you don’t have one at home, look for one on the web. You may think this is an exercise with no benefit. But I believe you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear King of Kings, You are the God who forgives me and who loves me. You’ve been waiting for me to turn my attention towards You and now You have it. Lord, thank You for loving me and making a way for me to be with You in heaven forever. Please help me to read and understand Your word each day. I can be forgetful and easily distracted, but I want to do this, and with Your help, I can do it. I long to know You better and I am thankful that I am learning more about You every day. I pray in the name of Your son, Jesus, who took my punishment, so I could be with You forever. And all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body. Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole [duty] of man.
Ecclesiastes 12:11-12
Fear of the LORD is the foundation of true wisdom. All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom. Praise him forever!
Psalm 111:10
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Ecclesiastes 3:9-11
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Stepping Stones: People Pleaser or God Pleaser?
Transformational Thought
I love to please my daughters. Who doesn’t want to see their kids happy, especially if we are the one bringing them delight? But I also want to see them safe and healthy. So when they make unhealthy or dysfunctional requests, it is easy for me to say “NO!” … even though they aren’t pleased, or are actually upset, or cry because of my answer.
Don’t believe me? What about when they ask … for their third bowl of ice cream … for the keys to the car and they’re only 13 … to stay out to midnight on a school night when they are 14 … to camp out with a boyfriend, alone, when they are 16. All these will easily get a “no” answer from me regardless of how displeased my beloved daughters are.
When fellow adults make dysfunctional requests, for some reason, for most of us, it is harder to say “no”. Whether I think they know more than I do about the particular situation … or they know what’s best for themselves more than I do … or I fear and hate being uneasy when people are mad or upset at me … or I fear their rejection … or I need their approval … or I need to be needed or accepted. Many “I need…” or “I fear…” lenses, based on a me-centered mentality, significantly interfere with our perspective, and lead to disrespectful, dysfunctional, or even sinful relational conduct.
When we focus on trying to please people by acting dysfunctionally, we are not serving God. If we are truly His servants, then our primary goal will be to please Him first, not others.
When Jesus lived on earth, many who believed in Him would not admit their faith. Because these people were more concerned about personal safety and other people’s opinions rather than God’s opinion, they did not live out their faith. Likewise, when we live as people-pleasers, we are demonstrating the fact that we are more concerned about people’s approval instead of God’s … and therefore our walk with Him will always be hindered.
Today, ask yourself: What is my greatest perceived need or greatest perceived threat when someone makes a request of me … or when I feel the need to people-please in a relationship? Whom am I trying to please ... God or the person? Maybe most of your life is lived to please God, but there is still some situation … or some person … that sparks you to be a people-pleaser. God wants us to put Him first in all things … we cannot please Him by placing more importance on people’s opinions … or our needs … over His.
Prayer
Dear Father God, I do want to please You. Forgive me for the times I let my desire to be accepted by a person outweigh my desire to please You. Thank You for Your love and for accepting me unconditionally. Help me to be a better servant, doing the right thing, not the people-pleasing thing, as I grow healthy relationships with others. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One who was the perfect servant, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
I am not trying to please people. I want to please God. Do you think I am trying to please people? If I were doing that, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10
Many people did believe in him, however, including some of the Jewish leaders. But they wouldn’t admit it for fear that the Pharisees would expel them from the synagogue. For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.
John 12:42-43
I love to please my daughters. Who doesn’t want to see their kids happy, especially if we are the one bringing them delight? But I also want to see them safe and healthy. So when they make unhealthy or dysfunctional requests, it is easy for me to say “NO!” … even though they aren’t pleased, or are actually upset, or cry because of my answer.
Don’t believe me? What about when they ask … for their third bowl of ice cream … for the keys to the car and they’re only 13 … to stay out to midnight on a school night when they are 14 … to camp out with a boyfriend, alone, when they are 16. All these will easily get a “no” answer from me regardless of how displeased my beloved daughters are.
When fellow adults make dysfunctional requests, for some reason, for most of us, it is harder to say “no”. Whether I think they know more than I do about the particular situation … or they know what’s best for themselves more than I do … or I fear and hate being uneasy when people are mad or upset at me … or I fear their rejection … or I need their approval … or I need to be needed or accepted. Many “I need…” or “I fear…” lenses, based on a me-centered mentality, significantly interfere with our perspective, and lead to disrespectful, dysfunctional, or even sinful relational conduct.
When we focus on trying to please people by acting dysfunctionally, we are not serving God. If we are truly His servants, then our primary goal will be to please Him first, not others.
When Jesus lived on earth, many who believed in Him would not admit their faith. Because these people were more concerned about personal safety and other people’s opinions rather than God’s opinion, they did not live out their faith. Likewise, when we live as people-pleasers, we are demonstrating the fact that we are more concerned about people’s approval instead of God’s … and therefore our walk with Him will always be hindered.
Today, ask yourself: What is my greatest perceived need or greatest perceived threat when someone makes a request of me … or when I feel the need to people-please in a relationship? Whom am I trying to please ... God or the person? Maybe most of your life is lived to please God, but there is still some situation … or some person … that sparks you to be a people-pleaser. God wants us to put Him first in all things … we cannot please Him by placing more importance on people’s opinions … or our needs … over His.
Prayer
Dear Father God, I do want to please You. Forgive me for the times I let my desire to be accepted by a person outweigh my desire to please You. Thank You for Your love and for accepting me unconditionally. Help me to be a better servant, doing the right thing, not the people-pleasing thing, as I grow healthy relationships with others. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One who was the perfect servant, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
I am not trying to please people. I want to please God. Do you think I am trying to please people? If I were doing that, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10
Many people did believe in him, however, including some of the Jewish leaders. But they wouldn’t admit it for fear that the Pharisees would expel them from the synagogue. For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.
John 12:42-43
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Stepping Stones: Just Say No! – But Why?
Transformational Thought
Yesterday’s devotional discussed what happens when someone approaches us and wants something. They have a request…even a reasonable opportunity for us to be helpful. Instead of saying “yes” to avoid a conflict or the uneasiness of their disappointment, we sometimes need to say “no” for the right reason. One of the major obstacles we have to saying “no” rests in a major distortion embedded in our psyche. Drum roll. Saying yes = the loving response; saying no = the mean response.
Someone asks for something, humbly admits they need our help. Agreeing with them by saying “yes”…being like-minded…avoiding conflict are all considered to be the nice response. Answering in a way that allows the requester to leave feeling “good” is what most would stamp as the loving response. As a kid, we never picture the loving mom as the one saying “no”. We always picture the loving mom as affirming, positive, nurturing, with lots of “yeses” to requests for more attention, hugs, kisses, toys, food, or one more story.
NEWS FLASH: saying “yes” is not always a loving response. Example: Say your 12 y.o. convinces you he has great driving skills, is responsible, awesome with bumper cars and go-carts, and now wants the keys to the car to go hang out with his friends. Your loving response, regardless of how hurt, angry, sad, or belittled he feels, needs to be “NO.” Same if my 9 y.o. wants to stay up ‘til midnight on a school night. My incredibly loving response is “NO.”
We know kids make dysfunctional, shortsighted, and potentially harmful requests as they seek immediate gratification, unable to foresee long-term consequences. Realizing “no” is in their best interest and is the most loving response (even when they cry) is pretty easy for most parents. The problem comes when adults make requests. We assume adults know what is good for them, have thought it through, and make only healthy responsible requests. We think saying “no” to a healthy, functional adult request would be unloving, or withholding love.
BIGGER NEWS FLASH: Adults don’t always make functional requests. You must have awareness, discernment, and a view of the bigger picture to know whether it is a healthy or dysfunctional request. The cool part…after you put some thought into deciding if it is a healthy request, saying “no” to adults becomes as easy as saying “no” to the 12 y.o. requesting car keys.
So today, start developing the discipline of discerning healthy requests from others. Also, practice saying “no” to requests. Or at least say, “Maybe…let me think about it.” When someone says “no” to you, stop and think whether your request was healthy. Don’t assume you are the perfect one who makes healthy requests all the time. Most importantly, dig and find why you feel pressured to say “yes” or why you are afraid to say “no”.
Prayer
Dear Father God, thank You for being an example to me of answering my requests “yes” at the right time and answering my other requests “no” at the right time. I ask You to continue the work You started in me…to grow the mind of Christ in me, so I can see others’ requests through Your lenses. Give me the courage to say “no” when that is the most loving thing, and not to fear their sad or angry responses, or their hurt feelings or opinions. I pray in the name of the one You sent to teach me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
And a ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.
Colossians 18:18,22,23
The devil said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread." And Jesus answered him, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone.'"
Luke 4:3,4
Yesterday’s devotional discussed what happens when someone approaches us and wants something. They have a request…even a reasonable opportunity for us to be helpful. Instead of saying “yes” to avoid a conflict or the uneasiness of their disappointment, we sometimes need to say “no” for the right reason. One of the major obstacles we have to saying “no” rests in a major distortion embedded in our psyche. Drum roll. Saying yes = the loving response; saying no = the mean response.
Someone asks for something, humbly admits they need our help. Agreeing with them by saying “yes”…being like-minded…avoiding conflict are all considered to be the nice response. Answering in a way that allows the requester to leave feeling “good” is what most would stamp as the loving response. As a kid, we never picture the loving mom as the one saying “no”. We always picture the loving mom as affirming, positive, nurturing, with lots of “yeses” to requests for more attention, hugs, kisses, toys, food, or one more story.
NEWS FLASH: saying “yes” is not always a loving response. Example: Say your 12 y.o. convinces you he has great driving skills, is responsible, awesome with bumper cars and go-carts, and now wants the keys to the car to go hang out with his friends. Your loving response, regardless of how hurt, angry, sad, or belittled he feels, needs to be “NO.” Same if my 9 y.o. wants to stay up ‘til midnight on a school night. My incredibly loving response is “NO.”
We know kids make dysfunctional, shortsighted, and potentially harmful requests as they seek immediate gratification, unable to foresee long-term consequences. Realizing “no” is in their best interest and is the most loving response (even when they cry) is pretty easy for most parents. The problem comes when adults make requests. We assume adults know what is good for them, have thought it through, and make only healthy responsible requests. We think saying “no” to a healthy, functional adult request would be unloving, or withholding love.
BIGGER NEWS FLASH: Adults don’t always make functional requests. You must have awareness, discernment, and a view of the bigger picture to know whether it is a healthy or dysfunctional request. The cool part…after you put some thought into deciding if it is a healthy request, saying “no” to adults becomes as easy as saying “no” to the 12 y.o. requesting car keys.
So today, start developing the discipline of discerning healthy requests from others. Also, practice saying “no” to requests. Or at least say, “Maybe…let me think about it.” When someone says “no” to you, stop and think whether your request was healthy. Don’t assume you are the perfect one who makes healthy requests all the time. Most importantly, dig and find why you feel pressured to say “yes” or why you are afraid to say “no”.
Prayer
Dear Father God, thank You for being an example to me of answering my requests “yes” at the right time and answering my other requests “no” at the right time. I ask You to continue the work You started in me…to grow the mind of Christ in me, so I can see others’ requests through Your lenses. Give me the courage to say “no” when that is the most loving thing, and not to fear their sad or angry responses, or their hurt feelings or opinions. I pray in the name of the one You sent to teach me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
And a ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.
Colossians 18:18,22,23
The devil said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread." And Jesus answered him, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone.'"
Luke 4:3,4
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Stepping Stones: Turn the Other Cheek…or NOT?!
Transformational Thought
A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak on very short notice to a Sunday School class at a neighboring church. Bubbling up in my lungs was the sound of my knee-jerk “yes.” But luckily, before it crossed my lips, I was able to edit it into “Thanks for asking, but I need to look at another date further into the future.”
In the past, it was difficult for me to say “no”. Saying “no” to a request from somebody else rarely makes that person feel good; more often they feel hurt or let down. Our natural tendency is to “go with the flow” or “don’t make waves.” So we become conflict avoiders…some of us a little, but some of us a lot. You see, one of the things that makes us really uncomfortable is when other people feel bad.
As Christians, this usually gets amplified because we are called to be “peacekeepers” or “peacemakers.” Forgiveness is a fundamental concept and action of our faith. Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and give our clothes to a thief. Saying “no” seems like a very un-christian response to someone in need. However, Jesus also said “no” many times…to the Pharisees, to Satan, to the rich young ruler who wanted to follow him but wouldn’t give up his possessions, to the moneychangers in the temple, and to the thief on the cross.
As a psychiatrist and former church elder I have seen many burnt out Christians who seem to think that more is better…who actually believe it is un-Christian to say “no.” Their efforts become scattered and they always seem to be out of steam. But like that Energizer bunny, they just keep on doing.
Today, before you jump into (or continue) “doing” the Christian thing…by blindly saying “yes” and adding more to your plate…spend time with God. Pray that you receive both direction and empowerment consistent with His will. In order to know His will…you gotta spend time in His presence. He has a specific plan and purpose for you. You need to be more purposeful in seeking it with Him and from Him. This is not a job or a task, but rather a beautiful and peaceful privilege. Also, dig and decipher why you say “yes” when you know you should be saying “no”. Why are you afraid to say “no”? Learning this answer and correcting it will bring an amazing freedom to your interactions and life!
Prayer
Dear Father God, I know that You designed a path for my life. I pray, Father, that You reveal this pathway to me…and that You give me the strength and courage to follow it. Empower me, Father, and let me see that I am powered by You. Let me not focus my efforts on simply doing more, let me focus on doing what You want and need of me. Help me today, Lord, to do what is within my ability to further Your Kingdom. I pray in the name of the one You sent to forgive, refresh, and empower me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.
Mark 6:31
A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak on very short notice to a Sunday School class at a neighboring church. Bubbling up in my lungs was the sound of my knee-jerk “yes.” But luckily, before it crossed my lips, I was able to edit it into “Thanks for asking, but I need to look at another date further into the future.”
In the past, it was difficult for me to say “no”. Saying “no” to a request from somebody else rarely makes that person feel good; more often they feel hurt or let down. Our natural tendency is to “go with the flow” or “don’t make waves.” So we become conflict avoiders…some of us a little, but some of us a lot. You see, one of the things that makes us really uncomfortable is when other people feel bad.
As Christians, this usually gets amplified because we are called to be “peacekeepers” or “peacemakers.” Forgiveness is a fundamental concept and action of our faith. Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and give our clothes to a thief. Saying “no” seems like a very un-christian response to someone in need. However, Jesus also said “no” many times…to the Pharisees, to Satan, to the rich young ruler who wanted to follow him but wouldn’t give up his possessions, to the moneychangers in the temple, and to the thief on the cross.
As a psychiatrist and former church elder I have seen many burnt out Christians who seem to think that more is better…who actually believe it is un-Christian to say “no.” Their efforts become scattered and they always seem to be out of steam. But like that Energizer bunny, they just keep on doing.
Today, before you jump into (or continue) “doing” the Christian thing…by blindly saying “yes” and adding more to your plate…spend time with God. Pray that you receive both direction and empowerment consistent with His will. In order to know His will…you gotta spend time in His presence. He has a specific plan and purpose for you. You need to be more purposeful in seeking it with Him and from Him. This is not a job or a task, but rather a beautiful and peaceful privilege. Also, dig and decipher why you say “yes” when you know you should be saying “no”. Why are you afraid to say “no”? Learning this answer and correcting it will bring an amazing freedom to your interactions and life!
Prayer
Dear Father God, I know that You designed a path for my life. I pray, Father, that You reveal this pathway to me…and that You give me the strength and courage to follow it. Empower me, Father, and let me see that I am powered by You. Let me not focus my efforts on simply doing more, let me focus on doing what You want and need of me. Help me today, Lord, to do what is within my ability to further Your Kingdom. I pray in the name of the one You sent to forgive, refresh, and empower me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.
Mark 6:31
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Stepping Stones: People Pleaser or God Pleaser?
Transformational Tip
I love to please my daughters. Who doesn’t want to see their kids happy, especially if we can be the one bringing them delight. But we also want to see them safe and healthy, so when they make unhealthy or dysfunctional requests, it is easy to say “NO!”…even though they aren’t pleased or are actually upset by our answer.
Don’t believe me? What about when they ask for…their third bowl of ice cream…the keys to the car and they are only 13…to stay out to midnight when they are 14 on a school night…or camp out with boyfriend, alone, when they are 16. All these will easily get a “No” answer from me regardless of how displeased my beloved daughters are to me.
When fellow adults make dysfunctional requests, for some reason, for most of us, it is harder to say “No”. Whether I think they know more than I do about the particular situation…they know what’s best for themselves…I fear and hate being uneasy when people are mad or upset at me …I fear being rejected by them…I need their approval…I need acceptance. Many “I need…” or “I fear…” lenses, based on me centered mentality, significantly interfere with our perspective and lead to dysfunctional, sinful, relational conduct.
When we focus on trying to please people by acting dysfunctionally, we are not serving God. If we are truly His servants, our primary goal will be to please Him.
When Jesus lived on earth, many who believed in Him would not admit their faith. Because these people were more concerned about people’s opinions than God’s, they did not live out their faith. Likewise, when we live as people pleasers, we are demonstrating the fact that we are more concerned about their approval than God’s…and our walk with him is hindered.
Today, ask yourself; What is my greatest perceived need or greatest perceived threat when someone makes a request of me…or I feel the need to act in a relationship. Who am I trying to please?...God or the person. Maybe most of your life is lived to please God, but there is still some situation…or some person…that sparks you to be a people-pleaser. God wants us to put Him first in all things…we cannot please Him by placing more importance on people’s opinions …and our needs… over His.
Click here to share your perspective about trying to please others.
Prayer
Dear Father God, , I do want to please you. Forgive me for the times I let my desire to be accepted by a person outweigh my desire to please you. Thank you for your love and for accepting me unconditionally. Help me to be a better servant. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One who was the perfect servant, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
I am not trying to please people. I want to please God. Do you think I am trying to please people? If I were doing that, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10
Many people did believe in him, however, including some of the Jewish leaders. But they wouldn’t admit it for fear that the Pharisees would expel them from the synagogue. For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.
John 12:42-43
I love to please my daughters. Who doesn’t want to see their kids happy, especially if we can be the one bringing them delight. But we also want to see them safe and healthy, so when they make unhealthy or dysfunctional requests, it is easy to say “NO!”…even though they aren’t pleased or are actually upset by our answer.
Don’t believe me? What about when they ask for…their third bowl of ice cream…the keys to the car and they are only 13…to stay out to midnight when they are 14 on a school night…or camp out with boyfriend, alone, when they are 16. All these will easily get a “No” answer from me regardless of how displeased my beloved daughters are to me.
When fellow adults make dysfunctional requests, for some reason, for most of us, it is harder to say “No”. Whether I think they know more than I do about the particular situation…they know what’s best for themselves…I fear and hate being uneasy when people are mad or upset at me …I fear being rejected by them…I need their approval…I need acceptance. Many “I need…” or “I fear…” lenses, based on me centered mentality, significantly interfere with our perspective and lead to dysfunctional, sinful, relational conduct.
When we focus on trying to please people by acting dysfunctionally, we are not serving God. If we are truly His servants, our primary goal will be to please Him.
When Jesus lived on earth, many who believed in Him would not admit their faith. Because these people were more concerned about people’s opinions than God’s, they did not live out their faith. Likewise, when we live as people pleasers, we are demonstrating the fact that we are more concerned about their approval than God’s…and our walk with him is hindered.
Today, ask yourself; What is my greatest perceived need or greatest perceived threat when someone makes a request of me…or I feel the need to act in a relationship. Who am I trying to please?...God or the person. Maybe most of your life is lived to please God, but there is still some situation…or some person…that sparks you to be a people-pleaser. God wants us to put Him first in all things…we cannot please Him by placing more importance on people’s opinions …and our needs… over His.
Click here to share your perspective about trying to please others.
Prayer
Dear Father God, , I do want to please you. Forgive me for the times I let my desire to be accepted by a person outweigh my desire to please you. Thank you for your love and for accepting me unconditionally. Help me to be a better servant. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One who was the perfect servant, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
I am not trying to please people. I want to please God. Do you think I am trying to please people? If I were doing that, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10
Many people did believe in him, however, including some of the Jewish leaders. But they wouldn’t admit it for fear that the Pharisees would expel them from the synagogue. For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.
John 12:42-43
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Stepping Stones: “Care-Fronting”
Transformational Tip
I have two brothers with drug addictions; one is in recovery, the second brother died from an overdose. Life-controlling problems so often turn to life-taking addictions. Each day I live with the guilt of not having done more to help the brother I lost.
Talking with a friend or loved one with a life-controlling problem can be like talking to a brick wall. But that wall can be broken down … brick by brick.
Does someone you love struggle with a life-impacting mindset or behavior? When you try to talk to him or her about it, do your words seem to bounce back at you, as though they've hit a brick wall?
Try this; picture a person behind a brick wall, becoming trapped but continuing to lay brick, building the wall higher and higher. In his/her mind, each brick is a way to defend themselves…but in reality, the wall is trapping, not defending him. Denial has blinded this loved one to his real condition.
David Augsburger in his book Caring Enough to Confront uses the term "care-fronting." This is a communication technique that combines love and caring with confrontation. Caring confrontation can chip away, bit by bit, the wall of delusion that hides reality from your loved one…the reality of the reason they are spiraling and the reality that an answer does exist to turn the spiral the other direction. When you are able to get rid of anger and replace it with caring, confronting your loved one with the truth can actually be the most loving thing you can do.
The bridges thru the wall are made of care and really are derived by us growing our relationship with God first to shine His love and care to our trapped loved one. As God grows in us, His forgiveness of us will melt our hurt we feel from our loved one and allow us to see him through Godly lenses so real care…love can happen.
So today, make a commitment to confront your loved one, to speak the truth in love…not in anger or condemnation…in order to help him tear down his wall of defenses, brick by brick, until he is able to see himself as he really is…someone made in God’s image, who God loves and sent His son to die for. God wants to use us to deliver that message, first modeling it, then saying it. Never give up.
Click here to share with the Stepping Stones community your perspective on “Care-fronting”.
Prayer
Dear Father God, Lord, help me be more honest with myself and with this person I care about so much. Help me look beyond his fault to his need … and then to express the reality of his situation to him…in love. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit so that I may speak as Christ would speak. I pray that love will make me tell the truth. I pray this in the name of the One who took my wall down, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
Ephesians 4:15
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13
The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.
Proverbs 12:16
I have two brothers with drug addictions; one is in recovery, the second brother died from an overdose. Life-controlling problems so often turn to life-taking addictions. Each day I live with the guilt of not having done more to help the brother I lost.
Talking with a friend or loved one with a life-controlling problem can be like talking to a brick wall. But that wall can be broken down … brick by brick.
Does someone you love struggle with a life-impacting mindset or behavior? When you try to talk to him or her about it, do your words seem to bounce back at you, as though they've hit a brick wall?
Try this; picture a person behind a brick wall, becoming trapped but continuing to lay brick, building the wall higher and higher. In his/her mind, each brick is a way to defend themselves…but in reality, the wall is trapping, not defending him. Denial has blinded this loved one to his real condition.
David Augsburger in his book Caring Enough to Confront uses the term "care-fronting." This is a communication technique that combines love and caring with confrontation. Caring confrontation can chip away, bit by bit, the wall of delusion that hides reality from your loved one…the reality of the reason they are spiraling and the reality that an answer does exist to turn the spiral the other direction. When you are able to get rid of anger and replace it with caring, confronting your loved one with the truth can actually be the most loving thing you can do.
The bridges thru the wall are made of care and really are derived by us growing our relationship with God first to shine His love and care to our trapped loved one. As God grows in us, His forgiveness of us will melt our hurt we feel from our loved one and allow us to see him through Godly lenses so real care…love can happen.
So today, make a commitment to confront your loved one, to speak the truth in love…not in anger or condemnation…in order to help him tear down his wall of defenses, brick by brick, until he is able to see himself as he really is…someone made in God’s image, who God loves and sent His son to die for. God wants to use us to deliver that message, first modeling it, then saying it. Never give up.
Click here to share with the Stepping Stones community your perspective on “Care-fronting”.
Prayer
Dear Father God, Lord, help me be more honest with myself and with this person I care about so much. Help me look beyond his fault to his need … and then to express the reality of his situation to him…in love. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit so that I may speak as Christ would speak. I pray that love will make me tell the truth. I pray this in the name of the One who took my wall down, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
Ephesians 4:15
I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13
The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.
Proverbs 12:16
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