March 21, 2012
Transformational Thought
We all struggle with communicating clearly. For some of us, ineffective communication frequently gets us in trouble. Sometimes we have so much in our heads that it’s hard to say it all in a couple sentences. Or it’s complicated so we get confused and overwhelmed. Other times, we’re emotionally overloaded. We have trouble asserting ourselves in a healthy way and we become aggressive and verbally attack others.
As in any area of life, some quick tips and helpful techniques allow a more healthy process to occur during difficult circumstances. One of these tips is communicating with “I” messages rather than “you” messages. This can be an easy key to facilitate successful communication and eliminate some obstacles when navigating conflict in any relationship.
“You” messages sound like this: You just don't care…You are a problem… Can't you…? You are sooo…. Generally “you” messages attack, put the other person on the defensive, and attribute to others things they didn’t really do and motives they didn’t really have. You don’t know for sure what was going on inside them, so you are jumping to conclusions.
“I” messages deal with items you do know. They convey what you feel or what you experienced. Here are some examples: I feel very angry because… I feel rejected when… When I get interrupted, I feel ….
Instead of “When you blew me off and forgot to pick me up on time, you rejected me,” you can say “When I didn’t get picked up on time, I felt unimportant.” You aren’t saying what the other person felt or why, you are just stating the situation as you know and experienced it. Hopefully, the other person can do the same and you can share what is in each other’s heart instead of holding a blame and judgment fest.
When we are hurt or feel attacked, we often feel the need to go on the offensive instead of just listening and communicating what we do know.
“I” messages communicate honesty and openness. The Bible teaches us to build up, not tear down. Using “I” messages, we are less likely to harm and break down others, while still allowing ourselves to be open, honest, transparent, and vulnerable.
Today, monitor your speech. How many times do you use “you” statements? Try practicing even in good circumstances. “When the door is opened for me, I feel special. Thanks for holding the door for me!” Then you will be more apt to use “I” statements in the more difficult times when communication is essential. During a conflict, you can also ask the other party to use “I” statements to tell you what happened and how they felt in the situation. Life is your decision, so choose well.
Prayer
Dear Father God, help me to be more gracious in communicating with my spouse and loved ones. The ones I care about the most seem to be the ones I get most upset with and make accusatory statements to. Help me understand myself better and take responsibility for what comes out of my mouth, for my feelings, and most importantly, what is in my heart. Help me to build up and not tear down. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One you sent to teach me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, and not cut them out.
Colossians 4:6
Showing posts with label Conflict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Conflict. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Stepping Stones: Just Say No! – But Why?
Transformational Thought
Yesterday’s devotional discussed what happens when someone approaches us and wants something. They have a request or a reasonable opportunity for us to be helpful. Instead of saying “yes” to avoid a conflict or the uneasiness of their disappointment, we sometimes need to say “no” for the right reason. One of the major obstacles we have to saying “no” rests in a major distortion embedded in our psyche. Drum roll please. The distortion: saying yes = the loving response; saying no = the mean response.
Someone asks for something, humbly admits they need your help. Agreeing with them by saying “yes” … being like-minded and avoiding conflict ... are considered to be the nice response. Answering in a way that allows the requester to leave feeling “good” is what most would stamp as the loving response. As a kid, we never picture a loving mom as the one who says “no”. We always picture the loving mom as affirming, positive, nurturing, saying “yes” to requests for more attention, hugs, kisses, toys, food, or one more story before bed.
NEWS FLASH: saying “yes” is not always a loving response. Example: Say your 12 y.o. son convinces you he has great driving skills, is responsible, awesome with bumper cars and go-carts, and now wants the keys to the car to go hang out with his friends. Your loving response, regardless of how hurt, angry, sad, or belittled he feels, needs to be “NO.” Same if my 9 y.o. wants to stay up ‘til midnight on a school night. My incredibly loving response is “NO.”
We know kids make dysfunctional, shortsighted, and potentially harmful requests as they seek immediate gratification, and that they are unable to foresee long-term consequences. Realizing “no” is in their best interest and is the most loving response (even when our kids cry) is pretty easy for most parents. The problem comes when adults make requests. We assume adults know what is good for them, have thought it through, and make only healthy responsible requests. We think saying “no” to a healthy, functional adult request would be unloving, or withholding love.
BIGGER NEWS FLASH: Adults don’t always make functional requests. You must have awareness, discernment, and a view of the bigger picture to know whether it is a healthy or dysfunctional request. The cool part … after you put some thought into deciding if it is a healthy request, saying “no” to adults becomes as easy as saying “no” to the 12 y.o. requesting car keys.
So today, start developing the discipline of discerning healthy requests from others. Also, practice saying “no” to requests. Or at least say, “Maybe … let me think about it.” When someone says “no” to you, stop and think whether your request was healthy. Don’t assume you are the perfect one who makes healthy requests all the time. Most importantly, dig and find why you feel pressured to say “yes” or why you are afraid to say “no.” Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear loving God, thank You for being an example to me as You answer “yes” to my requests at the right time and answer “no” to my other requests at the right time. I ask You to continue the work You started … growing in me the mind of Christ, so I can see others’ requests through Your lenses. Give me the courage to say “no” when that is the most loving thing, and not to fear sad or angry responses, or hurt feelings or negative opinions. I pray in the name of the One You sent to teach me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
And a ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.
Colossians 18:18,22,23
The devil said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread." And Jesus answered him, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone.'"
Luke 4:3,4
Yesterday’s devotional discussed what happens when someone approaches us and wants something. They have a request or a reasonable opportunity for us to be helpful. Instead of saying “yes” to avoid a conflict or the uneasiness of their disappointment, we sometimes need to say “no” for the right reason. One of the major obstacles we have to saying “no” rests in a major distortion embedded in our psyche. Drum roll please. The distortion: saying yes = the loving response; saying no = the mean response.
Someone asks for something, humbly admits they need your help. Agreeing with them by saying “yes” … being like-minded and avoiding conflict ... are considered to be the nice response. Answering in a way that allows the requester to leave feeling “good” is what most would stamp as the loving response. As a kid, we never picture a loving mom as the one who says “no”. We always picture the loving mom as affirming, positive, nurturing, saying “yes” to requests for more attention, hugs, kisses, toys, food, or one more story before bed.
NEWS FLASH: saying “yes” is not always a loving response. Example: Say your 12 y.o. son convinces you he has great driving skills, is responsible, awesome with bumper cars and go-carts, and now wants the keys to the car to go hang out with his friends. Your loving response, regardless of how hurt, angry, sad, or belittled he feels, needs to be “NO.” Same if my 9 y.o. wants to stay up ‘til midnight on a school night. My incredibly loving response is “NO.”
We know kids make dysfunctional, shortsighted, and potentially harmful requests as they seek immediate gratification, and that they are unable to foresee long-term consequences. Realizing “no” is in their best interest and is the most loving response (even when our kids cry) is pretty easy for most parents. The problem comes when adults make requests. We assume adults know what is good for them, have thought it through, and make only healthy responsible requests. We think saying “no” to a healthy, functional adult request would be unloving, or withholding love.
BIGGER NEWS FLASH: Adults don’t always make functional requests. You must have awareness, discernment, and a view of the bigger picture to know whether it is a healthy or dysfunctional request. The cool part … after you put some thought into deciding if it is a healthy request, saying “no” to adults becomes as easy as saying “no” to the 12 y.o. requesting car keys.
So today, start developing the discipline of discerning healthy requests from others. Also, practice saying “no” to requests. Or at least say, “Maybe … let me think about it.” When someone says “no” to you, stop and think whether your request was healthy. Don’t assume you are the perfect one who makes healthy requests all the time. Most importantly, dig and find why you feel pressured to say “yes” or why you are afraid to say “no.” Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear loving God, thank You for being an example to me as You answer “yes” to my requests at the right time and answer “no” to my other requests at the right time. I ask You to continue the work You started … growing in me the mind of Christ, so I can see others’ requests through Your lenses. Give me the courage to say “no” when that is the most loving thing, and not to fear sad or angry responses, or hurt feelings or negative opinions. I pray in the name of the One You sent to teach me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
And a ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.
Colossians 18:18,22,23
The devil said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread." And Jesus answered him, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone.'"
Luke 4:3,4
Friday, November 25, 2011
Stepping Stones: Turn the Other Cheek…or NOT?!
Transformational Thought
A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak on very short notice to a Sunday School class at a neighboring church. Bubbling up in my lungs was the sound of my knee-jerk people-pleaser “yes.” But luckily, before it crossed my lips, I was able to edit it into “’Yes’ is what I want to say, but I need to look at another date a little further into the future.”
In the past, it was difficult for me to say “no”. Saying “no” to a request from somebody else rarely makes that person feel good; more often, they feel hurt or let down. Our natural tendency is to “go with the flow” or “don’t make waves.” So we become conflict avoiders … some of us a little, but some of us a lot. You see, one of the things that contributes to our feeling of discomfort is when other people feel bad as a result of our actions or behaviors.
As Christians, this usually gets amplified because we are called to be “peacekeepers” or “peacemakers.” Forgiveness is a fundamental concept and action of our faith. Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and give our clothes to a thief. Saying “no” seems like a very un-Christian response to someone in need. However, Jesus also said “no” many times … to the Pharisees, to Satan, to the demon possessed man whom he healed, to the rich young ruler who wanted to follow him but wouldn’t give up his possessions, to the moneychangers in the temple, and to the thief on the cross.
As a psychiatrist and former church elder I have seen many burnt out Christians, both leaders and church members, who seem to think that more is better … who actually believe it is un-Christian to say “no.” Their efforts become scattered and they always seem to be out of steam. But, like that Energizer bunny, they just keep on doing.
Today, before you jump into or continue “doing” the Christian thing … by blindly saying “yes” and adding more to your plate … spend time with God. Pray that you receive both direction and empowerment consistent with His will. In order to know His will … you gotta spend time in His presence. He has a specific plan and purpose for you. You need to be more purposeful in seeking it with Him and from Him. This is not a job or a task, but rather a beautiful and peaceful privilege. Also, dig and decipher why you say “yes” when you know you should be saying “no”. Why are you afraid to say “no”? Learning this answer and correcting it will bring an amazing freedom to your interactions and life! Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear Gracious and Holy God, I know that You designed a path for my life. I pray, Father, that You reveal this pathway to me … and that You give me the strength and courage to follow it. Help me seek Your approval, not the approval of those who make requests of me. Empower me, Father, and let me see that I am powered by You. Let me not focus my efforts on simply doing more, but let me focus on doing what You want and need of me. Help me today, Lord, to do what is within my ability to further Your Kingdom. I pray in the name of the One You sent to forgive, refresh, and empower me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.
Mark 6:31
A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak on very short notice to a Sunday School class at a neighboring church. Bubbling up in my lungs was the sound of my knee-jerk people-pleaser “yes.” But luckily, before it crossed my lips, I was able to edit it into “’Yes’ is what I want to say, but I need to look at another date a little further into the future.”
In the past, it was difficult for me to say “no”. Saying “no” to a request from somebody else rarely makes that person feel good; more often, they feel hurt or let down. Our natural tendency is to “go with the flow” or “don’t make waves.” So we become conflict avoiders … some of us a little, but some of us a lot. You see, one of the things that contributes to our feeling of discomfort is when other people feel bad as a result of our actions or behaviors.
As Christians, this usually gets amplified because we are called to be “peacekeepers” or “peacemakers.” Forgiveness is a fundamental concept and action of our faith. Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and give our clothes to a thief. Saying “no” seems like a very un-Christian response to someone in need. However, Jesus also said “no” many times … to the Pharisees, to Satan, to the demon possessed man whom he healed, to the rich young ruler who wanted to follow him but wouldn’t give up his possessions, to the moneychangers in the temple, and to the thief on the cross.
As a psychiatrist and former church elder I have seen many burnt out Christians, both leaders and church members, who seem to think that more is better … who actually believe it is un-Christian to say “no.” Their efforts become scattered and they always seem to be out of steam. But, like that Energizer bunny, they just keep on doing.
Today, before you jump into or continue “doing” the Christian thing … by blindly saying “yes” and adding more to your plate … spend time with God. Pray that you receive both direction and empowerment consistent with His will. In order to know His will … you gotta spend time in His presence. He has a specific plan and purpose for you. You need to be more purposeful in seeking it with Him and from Him. This is not a job or a task, but rather a beautiful and peaceful privilege. Also, dig and decipher why you say “yes” when you know you should be saying “no”. Why are you afraid to say “no”? Learning this answer and correcting it will bring an amazing freedom to your interactions and life! Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear Gracious and Holy God, I know that You designed a path for my life. I pray, Father, that You reveal this pathway to me … and that You give me the strength and courage to follow it. Help me seek Your approval, not the approval of those who make requests of me. Empower me, Father, and let me see that I am powered by You. Let me not focus my efforts on simply doing more, but let me focus on doing what You want and need of me. Help me today, Lord, to do what is within my ability to further Your Kingdom. I pray in the name of the One You sent to forgive, refresh, and empower me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.
Mark 6:31
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Stepping Stones: Do You Have All You Need For the Afterlife?
Transformational Thought
Last month, I visited a museum whose premier exhibit featured mummies from around the world. I wasn’t surprised to see teeth, but didn’t expect to see that some still had eyelashes, braided hair and fingernails. I learned about the mummification process and its effects on skin. There were even some natural mummies, people whose bodies were preserved due to the climate at the burial site. Each specimen had a story to tell, but we, the observers, could only know a fraction of the tale.
It was fascinating to see those ancient people who had been preserved for “eternity.” Some bore imprints from the weaves and dyes of fabrics that had been part of the wrapping process. Many bodies were buried along with other objects. There were amulets (small good luck charms) to help protect them from danger. Copies of The Book of the Dead were tucked in to give the person spells, hymns, and instructions to reach the ‘afterlife.’ Mummified fish, cats, and dogs had been placed alongside the bodies to be used by the dead as offerings to the gods.
What struck me as I wound my way through the displays was that there was a universal concern for what comes after this life. But the time to consider that part of our future is right now. Sure, we can live to the fullest, enjoying all the world has to offer but that is no guarantee of happiness now and it certainly doesn’t ensure happiness after death. People turn to all kinds of “truth” only to find that nothing offers lasting satisfaction. King Solomon knew this oh so well and wrote a book about it called Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament.
Only the God of the Bible offers lasting truth. Only He loves us so much that He provides a way for our sin to be forgiven and forgotten. Only the Lord God sends His Son to take the punishment we deserve, and offers it to us as a free gift so that we can live forever with Him in heaven when this life is over. No good luck charms, no more sacrifices in the afterlife to woo the gods. No need to wonder if you’ll find heaven. Just accepting God’s gift of eternal life. Just believing that God will be true to his word. This promise and glorious assurance brings so much peace.
Today, ask God to show Himself to you. Then, open up his instruction book, the Bible, and read for a few minutes. (It will be easier if you read from one book of the Bible instead of jumping around.) Start in Ecclesiastes as Solomon, who had everything, tells us it is all worthless if we don’t have God. If you don’t have one at home, look for one on the web. You may think this is an exercise with no benefit. But I believe you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear King of Kings, You are the God who forgives me and who loves me. You’ve been waiting for me to turn my attention towards You and now You have it. Lord, thank You for loving me and making a way for me to be with You in heaven forever. Please help me to read and understand Your word each day. I can be forgetful and easily distracted, but I want to do this, and with Your help, I can do it. I long to know You better and I am thankful that I am learning more about You every day. I pray in the name of Your son, Jesus, who took my punishment, so I could be with You forever. And all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body. Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole [duty] of man.
Ecclesiastes 12:11-12
Fear of the LORD is the foundation of true wisdom. All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom. Praise him forever!
Psalm 111:10
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Ecclesiastes 3:9-11
Last month, I visited a museum whose premier exhibit featured mummies from around the world. I wasn’t surprised to see teeth, but didn’t expect to see that some still had eyelashes, braided hair and fingernails. I learned about the mummification process and its effects on skin. There were even some natural mummies, people whose bodies were preserved due to the climate at the burial site. Each specimen had a story to tell, but we, the observers, could only know a fraction of the tale.
It was fascinating to see those ancient people who had been preserved for “eternity.” Some bore imprints from the weaves and dyes of fabrics that had been part of the wrapping process. Many bodies were buried along with other objects. There were amulets (small good luck charms) to help protect them from danger. Copies of The Book of the Dead were tucked in to give the person spells, hymns, and instructions to reach the ‘afterlife.’ Mummified fish, cats, and dogs had been placed alongside the bodies to be used by the dead as offerings to the gods.
What struck me as I wound my way through the displays was that there was a universal concern for what comes after this life. But the time to consider that part of our future is right now. Sure, we can live to the fullest, enjoying all the world has to offer but that is no guarantee of happiness now and it certainly doesn’t ensure happiness after death. People turn to all kinds of “truth” only to find that nothing offers lasting satisfaction. King Solomon knew this oh so well and wrote a book about it called Ecclesiastes in the Old Testament.
Only the God of the Bible offers lasting truth. Only He loves us so much that He provides a way for our sin to be forgiven and forgotten. Only the Lord God sends His Son to take the punishment we deserve, and offers it to us as a free gift so that we can live forever with Him in heaven when this life is over. No good luck charms, no more sacrifices in the afterlife to woo the gods. No need to wonder if you’ll find heaven. Just accepting God’s gift of eternal life. Just believing that God will be true to his word. This promise and glorious assurance brings so much peace.
Today, ask God to show Himself to you. Then, open up his instruction book, the Bible, and read for a few minutes. (It will be easier if you read from one book of the Bible instead of jumping around.) Start in Ecclesiastes as Solomon, who had everything, tells us it is all worthless if we don’t have God. If you don’t have one at home, look for one on the web. You may think this is an exercise with no benefit. But I believe you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
Dear King of Kings, You are the God who forgives me and who loves me. You’ve been waiting for me to turn my attention towards You and now You have it. Lord, thank You for loving me and making a way for me to be with You in heaven forever. Please help me to read and understand Your word each day. I can be forgetful and easily distracted, but I want to do this, and with Your help, I can do it. I long to know You better and I am thankful that I am learning more about You every day. I pray in the name of Your son, Jesus, who took my punishment, so I could be with You forever. And all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body. Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole [duty] of man.
Ecclesiastes 12:11-12
Fear of the LORD is the foundation of true wisdom. All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom. Praise him forever!
Psalm 111:10
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Ecclesiastes 3:9-11
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Stepping Stones: People Pleaser or God Pleaser?
Transformational Thought
I love to please my daughters. Who doesn’t want to see their kids happy, especially if we are the one bringing them delight? But I also want to see them safe and healthy. So when they make unhealthy or dysfunctional requests, it is easy for me to say “NO!” … even though they aren’t pleased, or are actually upset, or cry because of my answer.
Don’t believe me? What about when they ask … for their third bowl of ice cream … for the keys to the car and they’re only 13 … to stay out to midnight on a school night when they are 14 … to camp out with a boyfriend, alone, when they are 16. All these will easily get a “no” answer from me regardless of how displeased my beloved daughters are.
When fellow adults make dysfunctional requests, for some reason, for most of us, it is harder to say “no”. Whether I think they know more than I do about the particular situation … or they know what’s best for themselves more than I do … or I fear and hate being uneasy when people are mad or upset at me … or I fear their rejection … or I need their approval … or I need to be needed or accepted. Many “I need…” or “I fear…” lenses, based on a me-centered mentality, significantly interfere with our perspective, and lead to disrespectful, dysfunctional, or even sinful relational conduct.
When we focus on trying to please people by acting dysfunctionally, we are not serving God. If we are truly His servants, then our primary goal will be to please Him first, not others.
When Jesus lived on earth, many who believed in Him would not admit their faith. Because these people were more concerned about personal safety and other people’s opinions rather than God’s opinion, they did not live out their faith. Likewise, when we live as people-pleasers, we are demonstrating the fact that we are more concerned about people’s approval instead of God’s … and therefore our walk with Him will always be hindered.
Today, ask yourself: What is my greatest perceived need or greatest perceived threat when someone makes a request of me … or when I feel the need to people-please in a relationship? Whom am I trying to please ... God or the person? Maybe most of your life is lived to please God, but there is still some situation … or some person … that sparks you to be a people-pleaser. God wants us to put Him first in all things … we cannot please Him by placing more importance on people’s opinions … or our needs … over His.
Prayer
Dear Father God, I do want to please You. Forgive me for the times I let my desire to be accepted by a person outweigh my desire to please You. Thank You for Your love and for accepting me unconditionally. Help me to be a better servant, doing the right thing, not the people-pleasing thing, as I grow healthy relationships with others. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One who was the perfect servant, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
I am not trying to please people. I want to please God. Do you think I am trying to please people? If I were doing that, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10
Many people did believe in him, however, including some of the Jewish leaders. But they wouldn’t admit it for fear that the Pharisees would expel them from the synagogue. For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.
John 12:42-43
I love to please my daughters. Who doesn’t want to see their kids happy, especially if we are the one bringing them delight? But I also want to see them safe and healthy. So when they make unhealthy or dysfunctional requests, it is easy for me to say “NO!” … even though they aren’t pleased, or are actually upset, or cry because of my answer.
Don’t believe me? What about when they ask … for their third bowl of ice cream … for the keys to the car and they’re only 13 … to stay out to midnight on a school night when they are 14 … to camp out with a boyfriend, alone, when they are 16. All these will easily get a “no” answer from me regardless of how displeased my beloved daughters are.
When fellow adults make dysfunctional requests, for some reason, for most of us, it is harder to say “no”. Whether I think they know more than I do about the particular situation … or they know what’s best for themselves more than I do … or I fear and hate being uneasy when people are mad or upset at me … or I fear their rejection … or I need their approval … or I need to be needed or accepted. Many “I need…” or “I fear…” lenses, based on a me-centered mentality, significantly interfere with our perspective, and lead to disrespectful, dysfunctional, or even sinful relational conduct.
When we focus on trying to please people by acting dysfunctionally, we are not serving God. If we are truly His servants, then our primary goal will be to please Him first, not others.
When Jesus lived on earth, many who believed in Him would not admit their faith. Because these people were more concerned about personal safety and other people’s opinions rather than God’s opinion, they did not live out their faith. Likewise, when we live as people-pleasers, we are demonstrating the fact that we are more concerned about people’s approval instead of God’s … and therefore our walk with Him will always be hindered.
Today, ask yourself: What is my greatest perceived need or greatest perceived threat when someone makes a request of me … or when I feel the need to people-please in a relationship? Whom am I trying to please ... God or the person? Maybe most of your life is lived to please God, but there is still some situation … or some person … that sparks you to be a people-pleaser. God wants us to put Him first in all things … we cannot please Him by placing more importance on people’s opinions … or our needs … over His.
Prayer
Dear Father God, I do want to please You. Forgive me for the times I let my desire to be accepted by a person outweigh my desire to please You. Thank You for Your love and for accepting me unconditionally. Help me to be a better servant, doing the right thing, not the people-pleasing thing, as I grow healthy relationships with others. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One who was the perfect servant, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
I am not trying to please people. I want to please God. Do you think I am trying to please people? If I were doing that, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10
Many people did believe in him, however, including some of the Jewish leaders. But they wouldn’t admit it for fear that the Pharisees would expel them from the synagogue. For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.
John 12:42-43
Friday, March 25, 2011
Stepping Stones: A Quick Fix: I Instead of You
Transformational Thought
We all struggle with communicating clearly. Sometimes we have so much in our heads that it’s hard to say it all in a couple sentences. Sometimes it is complicated and we get confused or overwhelmed. Other times, we have so much emotion inside that we have trouble being assertive without being too aggressive and attacking.
As in any area of life, some quick tips and helpful techniques allow a more healthy process occur in uncertain or difficult circumstances. One of these tips is communicating with “I” messages rather than “you” messages. This can be an easy key to facilitate successful communication and eliminate some obstacles when navigating conflict in any relationship.
“You” messages sound like this:You just don't care … You are a problem … Can't you …? You are sooo … Usually “you” messages get the other person on the defensive and often times attribute to them things they didn’t really do and motives they didn’t really have. You don’t know for sure what was going on in them, so you are jumping to conclusions.
“I” messages deal with items you do know. They convey what you feel or what you experienced. Here are some examples: I feel very angry because … I feel rejected when … When I get interrupted, I feel ….
Instead of “When you blew me off and forgot to pick me up on time, you rejected me,” you can say “When I didn’t get picked up on time, I felt unimportant.” You aren’t saying what the other person did or why, you are just stating the situation as you know and experienced it. Hopefully, the other person can do the same and you can share what is in each other’s heart instead of holding a blame and judgment fest.
“I” messages communicate honesty and openness. The Bible teaches us to build up, not tear down. Using “I” messages, we are less likely to harm and break down others, while still allowing ourselves to be open, honest, transparent, and vulnerable.
Today, monitor your speech. How many times do you use “you” statements? Try practicing even in good circumstances. “When I have the door opened for me, I feel special. Thank you for holding the door for me!” Then you will be more apt to use “I” statements in the more difficult times where communication is essential. When in a conflict, you can also ask the other party to use I statements as well to tell you what happened and how they felt in the situation.
Prayer
Dear Father God, help me to be more gracious in communicating with my spouse and loved ones. The ones I care about the most seem to be the ones I get most upset with and make accusatory statements to. Help me understand myself better and take responsibility for what comes out of my mouth, for my feelings, and most importantly, what is in my heart. Help me to build up and not tear down. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One you sent to teach me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, and not cut them out.
Colossians 4:6
We all struggle with communicating clearly. Sometimes we have so much in our heads that it’s hard to say it all in a couple sentences. Sometimes it is complicated and we get confused or overwhelmed. Other times, we have so much emotion inside that we have trouble being assertive without being too aggressive and attacking.
As in any area of life, some quick tips and helpful techniques allow a more healthy process occur in uncertain or difficult circumstances. One of these tips is communicating with “I” messages rather than “you” messages. This can be an easy key to facilitate successful communication and eliminate some obstacles when navigating conflict in any relationship.
“You” messages sound like this:You just don't care … You are a problem … Can't you …? You are sooo … Usually “you” messages get the other person on the defensive and often times attribute to them things they didn’t really do and motives they didn’t really have. You don’t know for sure what was going on in them, so you are jumping to conclusions.
“I” messages deal with items you do know. They convey what you feel or what you experienced. Here are some examples: I feel very angry because … I feel rejected when … When I get interrupted, I feel ….
Instead of “When you blew me off and forgot to pick me up on time, you rejected me,” you can say “When I didn’t get picked up on time, I felt unimportant.” You aren’t saying what the other person did or why, you are just stating the situation as you know and experienced it. Hopefully, the other person can do the same and you can share what is in each other’s heart instead of holding a blame and judgment fest.
“I” messages communicate honesty and openness. The Bible teaches us to build up, not tear down. Using “I” messages, we are less likely to harm and break down others, while still allowing ourselves to be open, honest, transparent, and vulnerable.
Today, monitor your speech. How many times do you use “you” statements? Try practicing even in good circumstances. “When I have the door opened for me, I feel special. Thank you for holding the door for me!” Then you will be more apt to use “I” statements in the more difficult times where communication is essential. When in a conflict, you can also ask the other party to use I statements as well to tell you what happened and how they felt in the situation.
Prayer
Dear Father God, help me to be more gracious in communicating with my spouse and loved ones. The ones I care about the most seem to be the ones I get most upset with and make accusatory statements to. Help me understand myself better and take responsibility for what comes out of my mouth, for my feelings, and most importantly, what is in my heart. Help me to build up and not tear down. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One you sent to teach me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, and not cut them out.
Colossians 4:6
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Stepping Stones: Love One Another Through The Conflict
Editor’s Note: Today we celebrate Stepping Stones’ 2nd birthday and thanks to you, over 10,000 people get Stepping Stones each day. We get great encouragement and testimonials from you daily and we thank you so much. As a result of its popularity, Stepping Stones has led to Solomon’s Portico, our devotional for teens/young adults. Thank you, God, for using and blessing us through this community of Your children!
Transformational Thought
Conflict, such a powerful word … it conjures up many different feelings and tapes in our head. In today’s scripture, Paul exhorts believers to agree with one another, to love each other, and to work together with one mind and purpose.
Jesus’ last instructions, moments before he ascended to heaven, leave no doubt about what the church is to be doing: “And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere—in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”
If we are to be effective witnesses, as Christians, we need to work together with one mind and purpose (the mind of Christ). Our witness can be hurt … and even destroyed … if we are involved in pride, bickering, gossip and other habits that can only lead to strife and division. We need to set aside personality conflicts, social differences, cliquishness, and anything else that divides us and keeps us from accomplishing the purpose God has for us and for those we are to minister to on His behalf.
Conflict is obviously more complex than this, but a ‘my kingdom come, my will be done’ instead of ‘Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done mentality’ is the key ingredient that steers the process to a fleshly demise instead of a God-glorifying experience.
Many excuses allow us to fall back on and avoid working through a conflict with another person. Don’t fall into the laziness trap or the addiction to comfort we all suffer from when you have this difficult but important decision to make. In the long run avoiding the conflict will be more harmful to you than the uneasiness you will feel while trying to solve the conflict.
Today, think of an area in your life in which you are experiencing division with a sister or brother in Christ. Are you putting Christ in the center? Your greatest need should be to please God and honor Him, not ease your own discomfort, guilt, or ego. Specifically acknowledge an incident or situation where you have failed in the area of relationship. Prayerfully examine how pride might be playing a role in the division. Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
My Father and my Lord, Please forgive me for sometimes allowing pride or other wrongful attitudes to lead to division with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Help me to do my part in walking in unity so that we all might be more effective witnesses for Jesus and accomplish what You have called us to do. Help me build courage to withstand the pain, hurt, or anger I sometimes feel in conflicts, knowing You can provide more to me in that pain than in the good times. I pray this and all prayers for the one was the perfect witness, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
Philippians 2:2
Transformational Thought
Conflict, such a powerful word … it conjures up many different feelings and tapes in our head. In today’s scripture, Paul exhorts believers to agree with one another, to love each other, and to work together with one mind and purpose.
Jesus’ last instructions, moments before he ascended to heaven, leave no doubt about what the church is to be doing: “And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere—in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”
If we are to be effective witnesses, as Christians, we need to work together with one mind and purpose (the mind of Christ). Our witness can be hurt … and even destroyed … if we are involved in pride, bickering, gossip and other habits that can only lead to strife and division. We need to set aside personality conflicts, social differences, cliquishness, and anything else that divides us and keeps us from accomplishing the purpose God has for us and for those we are to minister to on His behalf.
Conflict is obviously more complex than this, but a ‘my kingdom come, my will be done’ instead of ‘Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done mentality’ is the key ingredient that steers the process to a fleshly demise instead of a God-glorifying experience.
Many excuses allow us to fall back on and avoid working through a conflict with another person. Don’t fall into the laziness trap or the addiction to comfort we all suffer from when you have this difficult but important decision to make. In the long run avoiding the conflict will be more harmful to you than the uneasiness you will feel while trying to solve the conflict.
Today, think of an area in your life in which you are experiencing division with a sister or brother in Christ. Are you putting Christ in the center? Your greatest need should be to please God and honor Him, not ease your own discomfort, guilt, or ego. Specifically acknowledge an incident or situation where you have failed in the area of relationship. Prayerfully examine how pride might be playing a role in the division. Your decision, choose well.
Prayer
My Father and my Lord, Please forgive me for sometimes allowing pride or other wrongful attitudes to lead to division with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Help me to do my part in walking in unity so that we all might be more effective witnesses for Jesus and accomplish what You have called us to do. Help me build courage to withstand the pain, hurt, or anger I sometimes feel in conflicts, knowing You can provide more to me in that pain than in the good times. I pray this and all prayers for the one was the perfect witness, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
Philippians 2:2
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Stepping Stones: Just Say No! – But Why?
Transformational Thought
Yesterday’s devotional discussed what happens when someone approaches us and wants something. They have a request…even a reasonable opportunity for us to be helpful. Instead of saying “yes” to avoid a conflict or the uneasiness of their disappointment, we sometimes need to say “no” for the right reason. One of the major obstacles we have to saying “no” rests in a major distortion embedded in our psyche. Drum roll. Saying yes = the loving response; saying no = the mean response.
Someone asks for something, humbly admits they need our help. Agreeing with them by saying “yes”…being like-minded…avoiding conflict are all considered to be the nice response. Answering in a way that allows the requester to leave feeling “good” is what most would stamp as the loving response. As a kid, we never picture the loving mom as the one saying “no”. We always picture the loving mom as affirming, positive, nurturing, with lots of “yeses” to requests for more attention, hugs, kisses, toys, food, or one more story.
NEWS FLASH: saying “yes” is not always a loving response. Example: Say your 12 y.o. convinces you he has great driving skills, is responsible, awesome with bumper cars and go-carts, and now wants the keys to the car to go hang out with his friends. Your loving response, regardless of how hurt, angry, sad, or belittled he feels, needs to be “NO.” Same if my 9 y.o. wants to stay up ‘til midnight on a school night. My incredibly loving response is “NO.”
We know kids make dysfunctional, shortsighted, and potentially harmful requests as they seek immediate gratification, unable to foresee long-term consequences. Realizing “no” is in their best interest and is the most loving response (even when they cry) is pretty easy for most parents. The problem comes when adults make requests. We assume adults know what is good for them, have thought it through, and make only healthy responsible requests. We think saying “no” to a healthy, functional adult request would be unloving, or withholding love.
BIGGER NEWS FLASH: Adults don’t always make functional requests. You must have awareness, discernment, and a view of the bigger picture to know whether it is a healthy or dysfunctional request. The cool part…after you put some thought into deciding if it is a healthy request, saying “no” to adults becomes as easy as saying “no” to the 12 y.o. requesting car keys.
So today, start developing the discipline of discerning healthy requests from others. Also, practice saying “no” to requests. Or at least say, “Maybe…let me think about it.” When someone says “no” to you, stop and think whether your request was healthy. Don’t assume you are the perfect one who makes healthy requests all the time. Most importantly, dig and find why you feel pressured to say “yes” or why you are afraid to say “no”.
Prayer
Dear Father God, thank You for being an example to me of answering my requests “yes” at the right time and answering my other requests “no” at the right time. I ask You to continue the work You started in me…to grow the mind of Christ in me, so I can see others’ requests through Your lenses. Give me the courage to say “no” when that is the most loving thing, and not to fear their sad or angry responses, or their hurt feelings or opinions. I pray in the name of the one You sent to teach me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
And a ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.
Colossians 18:18,22,23
The devil said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread." And Jesus answered him, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone.'"
Luke 4:3,4
Yesterday’s devotional discussed what happens when someone approaches us and wants something. They have a request…even a reasonable opportunity for us to be helpful. Instead of saying “yes” to avoid a conflict or the uneasiness of their disappointment, we sometimes need to say “no” for the right reason. One of the major obstacles we have to saying “no” rests in a major distortion embedded in our psyche. Drum roll. Saying yes = the loving response; saying no = the mean response.
Someone asks for something, humbly admits they need our help. Agreeing with them by saying “yes”…being like-minded…avoiding conflict are all considered to be the nice response. Answering in a way that allows the requester to leave feeling “good” is what most would stamp as the loving response. As a kid, we never picture the loving mom as the one saying “no”. We always picture the loving mom as affirming, positive, nurturing, with lots of “yeses” to requests for more attention, hugs, kisses, toys, food, or one more story.
NEWS FLASH: saying “yes” is not always a loving response. Example: Say your 12 y.o. convinces you he has great driving skills, is responsible, awesome with bumper cars and go-carts, and now wants the keys to the car to go hang out with his friends. Your loving response, regardless of how hurt, angry, sad, or belittled he feels, needs to be “NO.” Same if my 9 y.o. wants to stay up ‘til midnight on a school night. My incredibly loving response is “NO.”
We know kids make dysfunctional, shortsighted, and potentially harmful requests as they seek immediate gratification, unable to foresee long-term consequences. Realizing “no” is in their best interest and is the most loving response (even when they cry) is pretty easy for most parents. The problem comes when adults make requests. We assume adults know what is good for them, have thought it through, and make only healthy responsible requests. We think saying “no” to a healthy, functional adult request would be unloving, or withholding love.
BIGGER NEWS FLASH: Adults don’t always make functional requests. You must have awareness, discernment, and a view of the bigger picture to know whether it is a healthy or dysfunctional request. The cool part…after you put some thought into deciding if it is a healthy request, saying “no” to adults becomes as easy as saying “no” to the 12 y.o. requesting car keys.
So today, start developing the discipline of discerning healthy requests from others. Also, practice saying “no” to requests. Or at least say, “Maybe…let me think about it.” When someone says “no” to you, stop and think whether your request was healthy. Don’t assume you are the perfect one who makes healthy requests all the time. Most importantly, dig and find why you feel pressured to say “yes” or why you are afraid to say “no”.
Prayer
Dear Father God, thank You for being an example to me of answering my requests “yes” at the right time and answering my other requests “no” at the right time. I ask You to continue the work You started in me…to grow the mind of Christ in me, so I can see others’ requests through Your lenses. Give me the courage to say “no” when that is the most loving thing, and not to fear their sad or angry responses, or their hurt feelings or opinions. I pray in the name of the one You sent to teach me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
And a ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "One thing you still lack. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." But when he heard these things, he became very sad, for he was extremely rich.
Colossians 18:18,22,23
The devil said to him, "If you are the Son of God, command this stone to become bread." And Jesus answered him, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone.'"
Luke 4:3,4
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Stepping Stones: Turn the Other Cheek…or NOT?!
Transformational Thought
A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak on very short notice to a Sunday School class at a neighboring church. Bubbling up in my lungs was the sound of my knee-jerk “yes.” But luckily, before it crossed my lips, I was able to edit it into “Thanks for asking, but I need to look at another date further into the future.”
In the past, it was difficult for me to say “no”. Saying “no” to a request from somebody else rarely makes that person feel good; more often they feel hurt or let down. Our natural tendency is to “go with the flow” or “don’t make waves.” So we become conflict avoiders…some of us a little, but some of us a lot. You see, one of the things that makes us really uncomfortable is when other people feel bad.
As Christians, this usually gets amplified because we are called to be “peacekeepers” or “peacemakers.” Forgiveness is a fundamental concept and action of our faith. Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and give our clothes to a thief. Saying “no” seems like a very un-christian response to someone in need. However, Jesus also said “no” many times…to the Pharisees, to Satan, to the rich young ruler who wanted to follow him but wouldn’t give up his possessions, to the moneychangers in the temple, and to the thief on the cross.
As a psychiatrist and former church elder I have seen many burnt out Christians who seem to think that more is better…who actually believe it is un-Christian to say “no.” Their efforts become scattered and they always seem to be out of steam. But like that Energizer bunny, they just keep on doing.
Today, before you jump into (or continue) “doing” the Christian thing…by blindly saying “yes” and adding more to your plate…spend time with God. Pray that you receive both direction and empowerment consistent with His will. In order to know His will…you gotta spend time in His presence. He has a specific plan and purpose for you. You need to be more purposeful in seeking it with Him and from Him. This is not a job or a task, but rather a beautiful and peaceful privilege. Also, dig and decipher why you say “yes” when you know you should be saying “no”. Why are you afraid to say “no”? Learning this answer and correcting it will bring an amazing freedom to your interactions and life!
Prayer
Dear Father God, I know that You designed a path for my life. I pray, Father, that You reveal this pathway to me…and that You give me the strength and courage to follow it. Empower me, Father, and let me see that I am powered by You. Let me not focus my efforts on simply doing more, let me focus on doing what You want and need of me. Help me today, Lord, to do what is within my ability to further Your Kingdom. I pray in the name of the one You sent to forgive, refresh, and empower me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.
Mark 6:31
A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak on very short notice to a Sunday School class at a neighboring church. Bubbling up in my lungs was the sound of my knee-jerk “yes.” But luckily, before it crossed my lips, I was able to edit it into “Thanks for asking, but I need to look at another date further into the future.”
In the past, it was difficult for me to say “no”. Saying “no” to a request from somebody else rarely makes that person feel good; more often they feel hurt or let down. Our natural tendency is to “go with the flow” or “don’t make waves.” So we become conflict avoiders…some of us a little, but some of us a lot. You see, one of the things that makes us really uncomfortable is when other people feel bad.
As Christians, this usually gets amplified because we are called to be “peacekeepers” or “peacemakers.” Forgiveness is a fundamental concept and action of our faith. Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and give our clothes to a thief. Saying “no” seems like a very un-christian response to someone in need. However, Jesus also said “no” many times…to the Pharisees, to Satan, to the rich young ruler who wanted to follow him but wouldn’t give up his possessions, to the moneychangers in the temple, and to the thief on the cross.
As a psychiatrist and former church elder I have seen many burnt out Christians who seem to think that more is better…who actually believe it is un-Christian to say “no.” Their efforts become scattered and they always seem to be out of steam. But like that Energizer bunny, they just keep on doing.
Today, before you jump into (or continue) “doing” the Christian thing…by blindly saying “yes” and adding more to your plate…spend time with God. Pray that you receive both direction and empowerment consistent with His will. In order to know His will…you gotta spend time in His presence. He has a specific plan and purpose for you. You need to be more purposeful in seeking it with Him and from Him. This is not a job or a task, but rather a beautiful and peaceful privilege. Also, dig and decipher why you say “yes” when you know you should be saying “no”. Why are you afraid to say “no”? Learning this answer and correcting it will bring an amazing freedom to your interactions and life!
Prayer
Dear Father God, I know that You designed a path for my life. I pray, Father, that You reveal this pathway to me…and that You give me the strength and courage to follow it. Empower me, Father, and let me see that I am powered by You. Let me not focus my efforts on simply doing more, let me focus on doing what You want and need of me. Help me today, Lord, to do what is within my ability to further Your Kingdom. I pray in the name of the one You sent to forgive, refresh, and empower me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.
Mark 6:31
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Stepping Stones: Prejudice Means to “Pre-Judge”
Transformational Tip
My father was a wonderful man, unfortunately he suffered from extreme prejudice. I believe most of it came from his father. Thank God that I and my siblings had a mother who worked hard at eliminating prejudice in her children.
Prejudice can creep into our lives without our awareness of what is happening. Sometimes it's such a subtle thing that we don't think anything of it. We might choose one cashier's line over another because of race or dress or general appearance. In church or any public gathering, we may select seats next to people who "look like us."
Or we might assume that people with power or wealth are unapproachable to anyone not in their league. This too, is judgment based on prejudice, not fact.
People are people…no matter what our skin color, economic status, education or neighborhood. We all want to be loved and respected by other people. We all experience painful times and good times. We all want to be understood.
Prejudice is really disrespectful…saying you know a person without even hearing their unique story. It is lazy and disrespectful of yourself, but mostly it is disrespectful to God and His sovereignty. Pre-judging also puts others in a box, limiting who they are and can be…it also puts you in a box, limiting what you are able to learn and imagine about yourself and others. And most importantly, pre-judging really limits God and puts Him in a box…denying His power to really transform hearts and a person.
Have you ever experienced the brunt of prejudice? If so, you understand the hurt it can bring. Ask God to use that experience to teach you to lay aside all prejudice toward others and, when possible, take time getting to know the real person.
Let us ask God to teach us to look at the heart.
Today, stop and notice why you think or relate to someone the way you do. Is it because of pre-judging, or is it based on data this person actually revealed to you. one of the biggest reasons we don’t witness to others very much is because of prejudicial ideas about that person. Don’t prejudge, enjoy the experience of asking questions and getting to know someone God loves.
Click here to share with the Stepping Stones community any prejudice that you have experienced or been guilty of.
Prayer
Dear Father God, help me remember that people are people. Help me not to look down on anyone…or to be intimidated by anyone. You are the great equalizer. Jesus died for every person. Every person needs forgiveness. Every person needs Jesus. In my relationships with others, help me move past the outward appearance and see the heart. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One You sent to save everyone, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart
1 Samuel 16:7
My father was a wonderful man, unfortunately he suffered from extreme prejudice. I believe most of it came from his father. Thank God that I and my siblings had a mother who worked hard at eliminating prejudice in her children.
Prejudice can creep into our lives without our awareness of what is happening. Sometimes it's such a subtle thing that we don't think anything of it. We might choose one cashier's line over another because of race or dress or general appearance. In church or any public gathering, we may select seats next to people who "look like us."
Or we might assume that people with power or wealth are unapproachable to anyone not in their league. This too, is judgment based on prejudice, not fact.
People are people…no matter what our skin color, economic status, education or neighborhood. We all want to be loved and respected by other people. We all experience painful times and good times. We all want to be understood.
Prejudice is really disrespectful…saying you know a person without even hearing their unique story. It is lazy and disrespectful of yourself, but mostly it is disrespectful to God and His sovereignty. Pre-judging also puts others in a box, limiting who they are and can be…it also puts you in a box, limiting what you are able to learn and imagine about yourself and others. And most importantly, pre-judging really limits God and puts Him in a box…denying His power to really transform hearts and a person.
Have you ever experienced the brunt of prejudice? If so, you understand the hurt it can bring. Ask God to use that experience to teach you to lay aside all prejudice toward others and, when possible, take time getting to know the real person.
Let us ask God to teach us to look at the heart.
Today, stop and notice why you think or relate to someone the way you do. Is it because of pre-judging, or is it based on data this person actually revealed to you. one of the biggest reasons we don’t witness to others very much is because of prejudicial ideas about that person. Don’t prejudge, enjoy the experience of asking questions and getting to know someone God loves.
Click here to share with the Stepping Stones community any prejudice that you have experienced or been guilty of.
Prayer
Dear Father God, help me remember that people are people. Help me not to look down on anyone…or to be intimidated by anyone. You are the great equalizer. Jesus died for every person. Every person needs forgiveness. Every person needs Jesus. In my relationships with others, help me move past the outward appearance and see the heart. I pray this and all prayers in the name of the One You sent to save everyone, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart
1 Samuel 16:7
Friday, March 19, 2010
Stepping Stones: Loving One Another
Transformational Tip:
Conflict, such a powerful word…conjuring up many different feelings and tapes in our head. In today’s scripture, Paul exhorts believers to agree with one another, to love each other and to work together with one mind and purpose.
Jesus’ last instructions, moments before he ascended to heaven, leave no doubt what the church is to be doing: “And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere—in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”
If we are to be effective witnesses, as Christians, we need to work together with one mind and purpose (the mind of Christ). Our witness can be hurt…and even destroyed…if we are involved in pride, bickering, gossip and other habits that can only lead to strife and division. We need to set aside personality conflicts, social differences, cliquishness and anything else that divides us and keeps us from accomplishing God’s purpose for us and those we are to minister to on His behalf.
Conflict is more complex than this, but attitude and focus…my kingdom come, my will be done or Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done mentality is what steers the process to a fleshly demise or a God-glorifying experience.
Today, think of an area in your life in which you are experiencing division with a sister or brother in Christ. Are you putting Christ in the center…your greatest need should be to please God and honor Him, not ease your own discomfort. Acknowledge specifically an incident or situation where you have failed in the area of relationship. Prayerfully examine how pride might be playing a role in the division.
Click here to share with the Stepping Stones community your perspective on witnessing.
Prayer
My Father and my Lord, Please forgive me for sometimes allowing pride or other wrongful attitudes to lead to division with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Help me to do my part in walking in unity so that we all might be more effective witnesses for Jesus and accomplish what You have called us to do. Help me build courage to withstand the pain, hurt, or anger I sometimes feel in conflicts, knowing You can provide more to me in that pain than in the good times. I pray this and all prayers for the one was the perfect witness, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
Philippians 2:2
Conflict, such a powerful word…conjuring up many different feelings and tapes in our head. In today’s scripture, Paul exhorts believers to agree with one another, to love each other and to work together with one mind and purpose.
Jesus’ last instructions, moments before he ascended to heaven, leave no doubt what the church is to be doing: “And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere—in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”
If we are to be effective witnesses, as Christians, we need to work together with one mind and purpose (the mind of Christ). Our witness can be hurt…and even destroyed…if we are involved in pride, bickering, gossip and other habits that can only lead to strife and division. We need to set aside personality conflicts, social differences, cliquishness and anything else that divides us and keeps us from accomplishing God’s purpose for us and those we are to minister to on His behalf.
Conflict is more complex than this, but attitude and focus…my kingdom come, my will be done or Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done mentality is what steers the process to a fleshly demise or a God-glorifying experience.
Today, think of an area in your life in which you are experiencing division with a sister or brother in Christ. Are you putting Christ in the center…your greatest need should be to please God and honor Him, not ease your own discomfort. Acknowledge specifically an incident or situation where you have failed in the area of relationship. Prayerfully examine how pride might be playing a role in the division.
Click here to share with the Stepping Stones community your perspective on witnessing.
Prayer
My Father and my Lord, Please forgive me for sometimes allowing pride or other wrongful attitudes to lead to division with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Help me to do my part in walking in unity so that we all might be more effective witnesses for Jesus and accomplish what You have called us to do. Help me build courage to withstand the pain, hurt, or anger I sometimes feel in conflicts, knowing You can provide more to me in that pain than in the good times. I pray this and all prayers for the one was the perfect witness, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children say - AMEN!
The Truth
Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
Philippians 2:2
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Stepping Stones: Don’t Wait…Do It Now!
Transformational Tip
When faced with difficulties or discomfort, our natural reactions are to either ignore it and hope it goes away, or react in a knee-jerk way that sometimes brings immediate relief, but guarantees more damage. Both options never work, but being addicted to comfort, we continue to whip them out when God allows adversity to enter our day.
I have learned…no, I continue to learn the hard way that not dealing with an adversity immediately, compounds the pain and suffering inflicted by that adversity. Waiting, ignoring, hiding never makes it better.
Using this losing strategy really exposes my lack of faith in God’s promises, track record, character, sovereignty and plan for my life…my kingdom come, my will be done mentality instead of…Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done.
In the scripture reading for today, Jesus Christ lays down for us a very important principle; do what you must do now. Do it quickly. If you do not act immediately, if you do not pay the price to settle the adversity, an inevitable process begins…and that process will not stop until you have “paid the last penny.”
Today, think of an adversity that continues to drain you. Settle that score today.
Click here to share with the Stepping Stones community about the value of facing into an adversity.
Prayer
Dear Father God, I know Father that I have stayed away from Your light for fear that my bad deeds, sins, and adversities will be exposed. I no longer want to live in darkness. I pray, Father, that You will help me live by Your Truth and in Your Light so that all can see what I do I do through You. Help me, Lord, to learn to deal with my adversities immediately so that they won’t fester and grow. I pray in the name of the one you sent to teach us truth, Jesus Christ, and all God’s children said – AMEN!
The Truth
Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
Matthew 5:25,26
This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.
John 3:19-21
When faced with difficulties or discomfort, our natural reactions are to either ignore it and hope it goes away, or react in a knee-jerk way that sometimes brings immediate relief, but guarantees more damage. Both options never work, but being addicted to comfort, we continue to whip them out when God allows adversity to enter our day.
I have learned…no, I continue to learn the hard way that not dealing with an adversity immediately, compounds the pain and suffering inflicted by that adversity. Waiting, ignoring, hiding never makes it better.
Using this losing strategy really exposes my lack of faith in God’s promises, track record, character, sovereignty and plan for my life…my kingdom come, my will be done mentality instead of…Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done.
In the scripture reading for today, Jesus Christ lays down for us a very important principle; do what you must do now. Do it quickly. If you do not act immediately, if you do not pay the price to settle the adversity, an inevitable process begins…and that process will not stop until you have “paid the last penny.”
Today, think of an adversity that continues to drain you. Settle that score today.
Click here to share with the Stepping Stones community about the value of facing into an adversity.
Prayer
Dear Father God, I know Father that I have stayed away from Your light for fear that my bad deeds, sins, and adversities will be exposed. I no longer want to live in darkness. I pray, Father, that You will help me live by Your Truth and in Your Light so that all can see what I do I do through You. Help me, Lord, to learn to deal with my adversities immediately so that they won’t fester and grow. I pray in the name of the one you sent to teach us truth, Jesus Christ, and all God’s children said – AMEN!
The Truth
Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
Matthew 5:25,26
This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.
John 3:19-21
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Stepping Stones: Turn the Other Cheek…or NOT?!
Transformational Tip
A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak to a Sunday School class at a neighboring church with very short notice. Bubbling up in my lungs was the sound of my knee-jerk “Yes”, but luckily, before crossing my lips, I was able to edit it into a “thanks for asking, but I need to look at a future date.”
In the past, it was difficult for me to say “No”. As people, our natural tendency is to ‘go with the flow’ or ‘don’t make waves’…so we become conflict avoiders…some a little, but some a lot.
As Christians, this usually gets amplified…we are called to be ‘peacekeepers’ or ‘peacemakers’. Forgiveness is fundamental to our faith. Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and give our clothes to a thief. Saying “No” seems like a very un-Christian response to someone in need.
As a psychiatrist and former church elder, I have seen so many burnt out Christians who seem to think that more is always better…some who actually believed it un-Christian to say no. Their efforts become scattered and they always seemed to be out of steam. But like that Energizer bunny, they just keep on doing.
Today, before you jump into (or continue) “doing” the Christian thing…saying “yes” and adding more to the plate…spend time with God. Pray that you receive both direction and empowerment consistent with His will. In order to know His will…you gotta spend time in His presence. He has specific plans and purpose for you, so you need to be more purposeful in seeking it with Him. This is not a job or a task, rather a beautiful and peaceful privilege.
Click here to share with the Stepping Stones community your thoughts on how receiving direction and empowerment.
Prayer
Dear Father God, I know that You designed a path for my life. I pray, Father, that You make known this pathway to me…and that You give me the strength and courage to follow that path. Empower me, Father, and let all see that I am powered my You. Let me not focus my efforts on simply doing more, let me focus on doing what You want and need of me. Help me today, Lord, to do what is within my ability to further Your Kingdom. I pray in the name of the one You sent to forgive, refresh and empower me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.
Mark 6:31
A couple weeks ago, I was asked to speak to a Sunday School class at a neighboring church with very short notice. Bubbling up in my lungs was the sound of my knee-jerk “Yes”, but luckily, before crossing my lips, I was able to edit it into a “thanks for asking, but I need to look at a future date.”
In the past, it was difficult for me to say “No”. As people, our natural tendency is to ‘go with the flow’ or ‘don’t make waves’…so we become conflict avoiders…some a little, but some a lot.
As Christians, this usually gets amplified…we are called to be ‘peacekeepers’ or ‘peacemakers’. Forgiveness is fundamental to our faith. Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, love our enemies, and give our clothes to a thief. Saying “No” seems like a very un-Christian response to someone in need.
As a psychiatrist and former church elder, I have seen so many burnt out Christians who seem to think that more is always better…some who actually believed it un-Christian to say no. Their efforts become scattered and they always seemed to be out of steam. But like that Energizer bunny, they just keep on doing.
Today, before you jump into (or continue) “doing” the Christian thing…saying “yes” and adding more to the plate…spend time with God. Pray that you receive both direction and empowerment consistent with His will. In order to know His will…you gotta spend time in His presence. He has specific plans and purpose for you, so you need to be more purposeful in seeking it with Him. This is not a job or a task, rather a beautiful and peaceful privilege.
Click here to share with the Stepping Stones community your thoughts on how receiving direction and empowerment.
Prayer
Dear Father God, I know that You designed a path for my life. I pray, Father, that You make known this pathway to me…and that You give me the strength and courage to follow that path. Empower me, Father, and let all see that I am powered my You. Let me not focus my efforts on simply doing more, let me focus on doing what You want and need of me. Help me today, Lord, to do what is within my ability to further Your Kingdom. I pray in the name of the one You sent to forgive, refresh and empower me, Jesus Christ; and all God’s children said - AMEN!
The Truth
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11
And he said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while." For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat.
Mark 6:31
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